There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Actions speak louder than pants.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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