i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
