Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
