I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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