guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
