I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
