I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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