i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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