I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You've changed since you got that strap on
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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