then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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