WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
