were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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