i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
