dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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