Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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