So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He better not be in your backpack
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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