i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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