i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
