I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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