the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We just shotgunned beers for America
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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