after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
