I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
