Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
