Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have demons in me.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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