I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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