ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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