Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
