The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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