If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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