Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
