found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
