remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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