I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
