How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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