i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
