Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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