I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
