I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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