I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
