I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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