atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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