My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
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Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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