this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
