You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
