gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So much rum. So many feels.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
