Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
