my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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