If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
