My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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