Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
