I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
