I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
