I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
